Santa shot down – Suspect Bubba, stands over Santa’s body.
(photo provided by HSA)
Black Hills Gazette
Comanche Pass, SD
(Update December 20, 2016: Great news! Due to some Christmas Magic, doctors expect Santa Claus will recover from his wounds, enough to be released from the hospital, in time for his Christmas Eve journey. More at the end of this article.)
Santa Claus, internationally beloved icon of the Christmas season, is in intensive care at a local hospital, in critical condition. We have very little information on this tragedy, since the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) showed up only minutes after it was reported and they have cordoned off the scene. They are even barring state and local police from the site. In fact, local officials have apparently been warned not to speak about the incident. According to an official DHS statement, “Santa was blown out of the sky, with his sled and eight tiny reindeer.”
In an unusually timely move, President Obama issued an official written statement about the shooting, saying, “Homeland Security agents have determined that the incident was workplace violence. The suspected shooter is an angry elf, named Blinky, who has close ties to the TEA Party and Alt-Right movements.” This statement is particularly interesting, because it came 20 minutes before the first DHS agent even showed up on the scene.
In response to questions, a White House spokesman vehemently denied initial speculation that the suspect might actually be a terrorist, who was one of the many Muslim refugees, recently admitted into the USA, without proper vetting. The spokesman said, “It’s ridiculous to think it could be a Syrian refugee, because those refugees are almost all women and children. That’s just more ‘Fake News’ coming from the same hateful radicals who supported Donald Trump.”
In a televised statement, a little while later, the President said,
“Under my guidance, the U.S. no longer threatens peace-loving Muslims. So there is no reason to believe that this senseless attack is anything more than ‘workplace violence’, aided of course, by the easy availability of guns. If it is terrorism, it’s home-grown TEA Party terrorists, who are at fault. In fact, Homeland Security is looking into the possibility that the renegade elf, suspected in the case, may have been assisted by two of his radical, gun-toting, TEA Party associates. It’s believed that they aided Blinky, in gaining access to the gun used in this tragic attack on Santa Claus.”
The HSA reports that the two TEA Party suspects are Lutheran, Black Hills farmers named, “Bubba” and “Cletus” (no last names provided). It was Bubba and Cletus, who initially reported the incident to local authorities. They told reporters that they heard shooting in the distance and went to see what it was. As they entered a clearing, they found Santa, wounded; along side his sleigh and several of his reindeer were dead. The Sheriff reported that Santa’s bag of toys was also missing.
On the other hand, the HSA agents tell us that there is a lot more to the story than what Bubba and Cletus are saying. It seems that Bubba and Cletus are prime suspects in the downing of Santa’s sleigh. An HSA spokesman told us that they believe that Bubba and Cletus may have conspired with Blinky the elf, to shoot down Santa and steal all the toys headed for good little girls and boys.
Blinky the elf is still at large and is believed to have fled back to the North Pole, where he plans to lead more renegade elves in a violent take-over of Santa’s workshop and keep all the toys for themselves, thus depriving good little girls and boys, all over the world, of a Merry Christmas.
HSA agents tell us that Bubba, who lives on a remote farm and takes care of his disabled grandmother, is now holed up in a cabin in the mountains, with Cletus, about whom we currently know little. According to the HSA spokesman, Bubba and Cletus are threatening to shoot the remaining two reindeer if Bubba’s manifesto is not published in the New York Times.
We were able to interview Bubba’s elderly grandmother and we asked her if she knew what Bubba’s manifesto was about. In response, she asked, “What’s a manifesto?” When it was explained to her, she laughed and said, “Why heck, Bubba couldn’t write a manifesto. He can’t read or write.”
When asked if Bubba was a terrorist, his grandmother assured our reporters that he was not, saying, “My gosh, sonny. Bubba doesn’t even own a towel, let alone wear one on his head.”
Even so, the HSA and the Obama Administration cling to their assertion that Bubba is actually a top commander in a large Alt-Right TEA Party terrorist cell that is working to turn Santa’s elves against him. The President said in a written statement to the press,
“It’s this kind of TEA Party-induced hatred of everything good and decent, like Santa Claus, Obamacare, admitting Syrian refugees, and amnesty, that requires that the government have more power to arrest and detain these intolerant people, without a warrant, before there is another such tragedy.”
Many community and political leaders have weighed in on the tragic event. The Rev. Jeremiah Wright said, “The old fool never gave me anything but a lump of coal, so he got what he deserved.” Gov. Jeb Bush said, “He never gave me anything but a lump of coal. But regardless of that, I think the shooter should be granted Amnesty, so he won’t be separated from his family.” Speaker Paul Ryan said that he is looking past the fact that Santa never gave him anything but a lump of coal and is looking for a “bi-partisan solution”. Sen. Ted Cruz said that he feels sorry for Santa, but that Santa’s condition will not stop his planed filibuster over Santa’s coal policy. “After all,” said Cruz, “what am I supposed to do with all that coal?” And President-Elect Donald Trump said, “I don’t have time to talk now. I’m headed to Comanche Pass, to visit my dear friend Santa Claus, who has been so good to me and my children over the years. I want to assure him that such things won’t happen under my watch. When I’m President, we will protect those who serve us and our children and make America great again.”
HSA officials went on to tell us that, under provisions of the USA Patriot Act, they had received numerous Suspicious Activity Reports (SARs) from the bank where Bubba and Cletus have accounts. These SARs cover suspicious activities, ranging from joining subversive organizations, such as the National Rifle Association, Gun Owners of America, and the Republican Party, to small donations to other subversive organizations including Americans for Fair Taxation, Citizens Against Government Waste, several very dangerous local TEA Party groups, and a local property rights group, who think they know better how to manage their property than government experts.
Initial reports indicate that there were initially four surviving reindeer, but an HSA spokesman tells us, “Bubba, displaying typical TEA Party intolerance, discovered that Prancer and Comet were queer for each other and shot them both ‘for good measure’.”
When we asked the Homeland Security how Bubba expected anyone to publish his manifesto, since he was reportedly a functional illiterate, agents seemed at a loss and after a few minutes of dancing around the question, they told us that they would get back to us. After a couple of hours, they told us that they discovered that Bubba had been recruited and trained by the TEA Party, several years ago, and that they taught him to read and write, using extremely subversive materials like Atlas Shrugged, The Federalist Papers, and the US Constitution and that Bubba now only pretends to be illiterate.
At this time Homeland Security, along with SWAT teams from the FBI, BATFE, DEA, FDA, IRS, EPA, EEOC, HUD, and the Surgeon General’s office, have the cabin surrounded. Officials report that Bubba and Cletus are accompanied by two other dangerous terrorists; Bubba’s 4 year old son Elmer and his 6 year old daughter Francine.
Federal agents are however, taking their toll on the forces of Bubba and Cletus. Just shortly after noon today, before arrival of the other agencies, HSA agents shot and killed two of Bubba’s dangerous accomplices.
Bubba’s common law wife and second cousin, 41 year old Doreen, was shot 47 times as she reportedly charged authorities, while firing an automatic weapon. Unfortunately, Doreen’s weapon now appears to be missing, but BATFE agents assure us that they will produce it, when the siege is over.
The local coroner, Lars Gundersen, initially raised questions, when he stated that the BATFE report was rather unusual, in that, since BATFE agents claimed that Doreen was charging them when she was shot, all of the exit wounds were in the front of her body. Unfortunately, follow-up attempts to contact Gundersen, for further comment, now reveal that Comanche Pass has neither a coroner nor any resident named Gundersen.
Local residents find this strange, since they say that Gundersen was also the town’s only barber. A local teen pointed out that Google cached archives reveal a website for the Comanche Pass Coroner, naming Gundersen as the Coroner. He also pointed out that a Google Maps street view shows a sign for the Coroner’s Office at a location that is now home to a trendy coffee house that doesn’t seem to fit into the very rural community. Moreover, nobody in Comanche Pass seems to remember the coffee house, before today.
Also interesting is that it now seems that nobody knows where Doreen’s body was taken. HSA officials seem strangely unconcerned about either the missing body or the missing coroner.
But when we pointed out these discrepancies to an HSA spokesman, we were told that if we reported them, it would be considered “Fake News” and indeed, no other news agency has picked up this story.
Also killed was Bubba’s 5 year old son, Bubba, Jr., who HSA agents say was heavily armed and perched in a sniper’s blind, in a nearby tree. The HSA agents deny charges that Bubba, Jr. was actually only playing a hand-held video game in a tree-house, at the time he was shot.
When asked if they could show reporters any of the evidence they had collected against Bubba and Cletus, Chief BATFE agent in-charge, Joseph Mengela, III stated, “That’s not the way we work. After we bring down this evil TEA Party terrorist cell, we’ll make sure that there’s plenty of evidence for you to see.”
By a strange coincidence, several reports, from nearby Rapid City, indicate that Air Force One was seen on the tarmac, at Rapid City Airport, on the morning of the shooting. Also, some residents of Comanche Pass report seeing President Obama and Harry Reid buying ammo and several cases of beer, at Luther’s General Store and Hunting Supply, this morning.
However, official statements from both the White House and the office of the Minority Leader deny that either the President or Senator Reid was in the area, at the time. There does however, seem to be some confusion on this point.
A spokesman for Reid, said, “There is no way that Senator Reid could be responsible for the shooting of Santa Claus, since the Minority Leader is currently in Washington DC, where he has been in intensive meetings with President Obama, at the White House.”
But a White House statement indicated, “the President has been working on his golf game for the last two days at Chicago’s Beverly Country Club.” Interestingly, several members of the club have told reporters from our Chicago affiliate that they have neither seen the President, nor noticed any of the beefed up security that is always so visible, when the President is at the club.
When the discrepancy in the statements was pointed out to the White House Deputy Press Secretary, he appeared at a loss, stammered for a few moments, then called the reporting of such discrepancy, “Fake News”, and took another question. The next journalist to ask a question pointed out that both Reid and the President were seen exiting Air Force One, on video captured by security cameras, at the Rapid City Airport, only three hours before the shooting and asked how the President and Reid could be in two places at once. Instead of answering the question, the White House spokesman launched into a five-minute tirade about press ethics and “Fake News”, in which he accused the two reporters of being TEA Party plants and claimed that the only reason they were asking him such questions was because of the color of Obama’s skin. He then quickly ended the interview, having answered no questions.
Santa’s Public Relations elf, Claude, told us that on-board sleigh telemetry indicates that, at the time of the shooting, Santa was several miles from Bubba’s property and that the sleigh glided that distance, before crashing. Claude went on to explain that, at the time Santa’s sleigh was hit, he was flying over a remote piece of ground that is often used as a hunting lease and that examination of the property’s lease records show that it is currently being leased by Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid. This too, is being called “Fake News” by the Administration.
In an official statement, President Obama’s press secretary, Josh Earnest said,
“The President is deeply saddened by this unprovoked attack on his friend, Santa Claus and vows that Blinky the elf, Bubba, Cletus, and all of the TEA Party terrorists involved in the shooting will soon be brought to justice.
“He also wants the public to know that this tragedy could have been prevented, if it were not for the extreme limitations of the 4th Amendment, which has hampered the Obama Administration in undoing the damage caused by George W. Bush, in that Bush allowed such extremist, TEA Party groups to flourish. But that wasn’t bad enough, because, as a further result of Bush’s failure to control these groups, Donald Trump’s hateful rhetoric has now encouraged those extremist TEA Party groups to act and shoot down Santa Claus.
“Make no mistake. This is Bushes fault and now, it’s also Trump’s fault. Without the severe limits of the 4th Amendment, we would have known about Bubba, Cletus, and their sick little pointy-eared co-conspirator a long time ago and we could have prevented this senseless tragedy.
“But on a positive note, thanks to provisions we’ve found in the USA Patriot Act and new powers that President Obama will soon be granting himself, by Executive Order, he will soon have virtually unlimited access to every American’s personal information. So that pesky 4th Amendment will soon cause us no more problems. Then we’ll be able to profile and eliminate such citize… uh… domestic terrorists before they become a threat to the Preside… uh… people of the United States and innocent icons like Santa Claus. Just remember that this shooting of Santa Claus was Bush’s fault and it’s now, also Trump’s fault and any reports otherwise are just ‘Fake News”.”
Earnest was asked if Bubba, Cletus, and Blinky the elf would be tried in state or federal court. He responded that, “Since Bubba, Cletus and their little pointy-eared friend have been classified as domestic terrorists, as soon as authorities have them in custody, they will be transported to the terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo, Cuba, where they will be interrogated and eventually face a military tribunal, before being executed.”
When asked if that didn’t violate their rights, Earnest replied, “To begin with, the midget with the pointy ears has no such rights, since he is not a citizen. Hell, he’s not even human. As for Bubba and Cletus, they are far too dangerous to risk them getting off on a technicality, by having a bunch of TEA Party rednecks, getting up in public court, telling ridiculous lies about the President being drunk and being somehow responsible for the shooting. Fortunately, the President understands that sometimes the Constitution must be set aside, for the good of the Presi… I mean… the public and this is one of those instances.”
In a press release issued early this afternoon, the North Pole announced that Christmas will be postponed indefinitely. The announcement also included a statement about Blinky the elf. As it turns out, far from being disgruntled, Blinky was recently promoted to Chief Elf and is one of Santa’s best friends. In Santa’s only statement to the press, before being wheeled into surgery, he exclaimed, “That hack is just as bad with a gun and a beer, as he is with a phone and a pen!”
UPDATE (December 20, 2016): In a remarkable turn of events, with only four days left till Christmas Eve, it is now expected that Santa will be released from the hospital in time for his Christmas Eve journey around the world. Mrs. Claus has been constantly at Santa’s bedside, since the incident, feeding him a steady diet of milk and her famous cookies, said to contain Christmas Magic.
In other good news, a spokesman for the North Pole said that none of the wounds to the reindeer were life-threatening and all were expected to recover, most or all before Christmas Eve. However, Rudolph, who was not with Santa when his sleigh was shot down, has been busy training new reindeer, in the event that one or more may be needed on Christmas Eve.
In a short statement to a handful of reporters, who were allowed into his hospital room, Santa Claus said, “I want to thank President-Elect Donald Trump and his wife Ivanka, for their personal visit to my bedside. I remember that both of them were always such good children. It gives me hope to know that my good friend Donald will be President of the United States and secure the future for good little girls and boys, in the United States and consequently, for those around the world. I also want to thank Bubba and Cletus for saving my life.”
When asked about President Obama’s response, Santa asked, “What about him?” Motioning toward the waste basket, at his bedside, he continued, “Do you think I should thank him for that generic ‘Holiday’ card that didn’t even mention the word ‘Christmas’? I think we all know who’ll be getting a lump of coal this year. You would think that someone who keeps calling for more gun control, would employ better gun control, himself.”
In a closing statement, Santa said, “Just be sure and tell the world that good little girls and boys can expect a wonderful Christmas this year.”
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